magically delicious.

you have not fully lived until you have eaten a sprinkles cupcake.

chilly and chill=chinchilly?

currently listening to the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack on a very cold day...all the elements combined call for none other than...

{{drumroll}}

a blog.

as life has gotten busier, things i enjoy like my blog, music, writing, phone calls with friends, sleep, running outside, etc. have taken a backseat. not by choice, but by default. I ask people all the time now if its normal to come home to merely eat, make a phone call to mom to ease her mind that I am still alive and maybe catch a little of the nightly news before heading to bed to do it all over again the next day?

the response I get most commonly is "unfortunately...yeah"

geez, glad i barreled out of highschool and college like a racehorse only to find myself in this cyclical world that eagerly awaits things like The Bachelor on Monday nights and girl scout cookie delivery day this past week.

am I lame? possibly.

however, after reading Jon Foreman's article this past week, my creative juices are a-flowin

i have resolved to prioritize these things no matter how busy I become, because ultimately, they help comprise who I am.

so here we go, head first into a new week, a new month. February, you will be fun. Be good to me.

it was never meant to be

"this surely was not the way that it was meant to be."

i have found that this statement has reoccurred in my mind frequently over the past few months now. As new chapters in my life have begun to be exposed, the realization of how fallen the world truly is has become more and more alive to me.

this truly is not the way it was intended to be.

Maybe its because I'm getting older and consequently just the reality of "life" (which is a weighty term that can sway multiple different directions) has begun to settle in. you don't live with the sheltered or protected mentality of a child as you have and the realization of "the way things are" seems to settle deeper by the day. as I just typed that, i realize how much i really hate the phrase "thats just the way things are"

SURELY, this is not the way things were meant to be.

As I sat a work on Wednesday, seeing the images of devastation and desecration in the second poorest country in the world; I wanted nothing more than to be in the country of Haiti, helping in whatever way that I could.

I wanted nothing more than to find employment the woman who calls me every week looking for a job that confessed to me this Wednesday that she is homeless.

I wanted nothing more than to understand why my pastor, truly one of the most influential and effective presenters of the Gospel in my generation, has cancer at the age of 33.

surely this is not the way that it was intended to be.

maybe this is all coming out of a weariness of a long week and the result of a dreary, rainy day, but it truly dumbfounds me to think how people live life without hope. I feel as if I have seen the groaning of creation so clearly recently.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. ¹⁹For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. ²⁰For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope ²¹that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. ²²For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. ²³And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit,groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? ²⁵But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

²⁶Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. ²⁷And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. ²⁸And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. ²⁹For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. ³⁰And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. romans 8:18-30

the urgency of the gospel has been placed upon my heart today and I cannot refuse the need to act. Christ's love for you is unwavering and goes far beyond our current circumstances. He desires to make all things new for you.

As the bride anxiously awaits her groom, we wait for You. persevering till all things are made new. Come soon Lord.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. ²And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God,prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. ³And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold,the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people,and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more,neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

⁵And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." ⁶And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment.

revelation 20:1-6

meet & greet

in the process of moving to a new city and consequently meeting countless amounts of new faces, i have become quite the expert of giving my "schpeal"

you know, the run-down response of the FAQ's about yourself:

job

hometown

alma matter

degree

siblings

etc.

but more often than not, the "schpeal" doesn't really give me an opportunity to truly allow myself to share who it is that I am. ..What matters to me. I walk away from many conversations feeling like I have given an incomplete description of myself...often leaving out the most important aspect due to a fear of making things uncomfortable or worse, leading into other questions I won't be able to answer adequately. Thankfully He has not given me a spirit of fear, but this is something that I continually battle with.

Sara says it better than I will ever be able to:

I dont know how to say this
I dont know where to stand
I dont where to put my feet
Or where to put my hands
I got them my pockets
My fingers are freezing cold
Theyre wrapped around a ticket stub
Thats four weeks old
And I dont know how to say this

I think we figured out
This world is bigger than you and I
Weve exhausted our wealth, knowledge,
Have no more answers for mankind

And weve had every conversation in the world
About what is right and what has all gone bad
But have I mentioned to you that this is all I am
This is all that I have

And Im not trying to judge you
No thats not my job
I am just a seeker, too
In search of good

Somewhere, somehow the subject became taboo
I have no other way to communicate to you
That this is all that I have, this is all that I am

And weve had every conversation in the world
About what is right and what has all gone bad
But have I mentioned to you that this is all I am
This is all that I have

And I would like to share with you
What makes me complete
I dont claim to have found the truth
But I know it has found me

The only thing that isnt meaningless to me
Is Jesus Christ and the way he set me free
And this is all that I have, this is all that I am
Its all that I have, and its all

The only thing that isnt meaningless to me
Is Jesus Christ and the way he set me free
And this is all that I have, this is all that I am
Its all that I have, and its all that I am
Its all that I have, and its all

I dont know how to say this
I dont know where to start
Just know that I care for you
And Im speaking from my heart

merry & bright

tis the season to be..

jolly?

stressed?

celebratory?

greedy?

grateful?

nostalgic?

traditional?

i could keep adding to the list as the words that comes to mind when I think about the general populations responses to "the most wonderful time of the year"

this Christmas season, more than any other before, my heart has been discouraged and broken over seeing how we have truly completely skewed what December 25th and the month leading up to it is truly about.

We have turned it into a time to spend, throw parties, stress out and focus our attention upon monetary things. Not that these things are inherently wrong, because they aren't. But when turned into the sole reason for celebrating Christmas, there lies the problem.

I only wonder how much it grieves the Father's heart to see how the birth of his Son is truly, not really at all about him.

As I write about this to process the thoughts in my mind, I am so guilty of this.

I'm in need of sanctification in this area in my life.

I want to focus on the magnitude of Christ coming and how it vastly has changed my life because of his birth.

without the birth, there could be no death.

without the death, there could be no life.

without life, there could be no hope.

When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

praise Him for hope.

the most wonderful time

I look forward to this...

every

year.

sunday morning melodies

this line from morning worship keeps resounding in my heart and mind today:

"let this place, echo your worth"

.............

"whom have I in heaven but you? and besides you, my heart desires nothing else. My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is my strength and my portion, forever." psalms.

"let this place, echo your worth"

.............

"such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty to attain" psalms.

"let this place, echo your worth"

............

"for he commands even the wind and the waters, they obey him" luke.

"so let this place, echo your worth"

...........

"We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans.

"let this place, echo your worth"

.........

"To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen." Jude.

"let this place, echo your worth"

............

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship." Romans.

"let this place, echo your worth"

"let this place, echo your worth"

"let this place, echo your worth"

"let this place, echo your worth"

"let this place, echo your worth"

......

picture circa 2007: Ronda, Spain.

hey there, big world.

"It's a big girl world now

Full of big girl things

And everyday I wish I was small

I've been counting on nothing

But he keeps giving me his word

And I am tired of hearing myself speak

Do you ever get weary?

Do you ever get weak?

How do you dream

When you can't fall asleep?"

"scratch" Kendall Payne

like I mentioned in my last post, things have been pretty busy and coupling that with a lack of technology access...the blog has consequently, suffered.

As I sit here in the lounge area of my apartment complex, I'm trying to decipher the most effective way to organize these thoughts that are swimming around like in a fish bowl that is my brain.

I have jokingly mentioned to a lot of my friends and family that I feel like I have grown up about 20 years in the past 40 days. Here's why:

I started my first adult, 8 to 5, job.

I found out that I had identity theft.

I got the flu.

I have a 401K...and my own insurance.

I interview people twice my age and pretend like I know what I'm doing when I talk to them about the mortgage industry...even though I've never even had a mortgage of my own.

I go to sleep around 10 and rise before the sun even considers coming up.

just to name a few.

My life transformed in a matter of days, and there is no way you can be prepared for these things. Don't get me wrong, Texas A&M was an incredible way to spend 4 years of my life, but they should seriously consider implementing a class called "Welcome to the Real World, life after college"

I want to grab so many of the faces of my friends still in school with both of my hands and lovingly look them in the eye and say..

"this. is. not. reality."

don't get me wrong, the working world is not all bad, there are a lot of really cool things that come with it... but for the love, I just laugh out loud when I think about how distorted my mindset was about life after college was when I was in school.

I really hope I'm not completely coming off cynical and jaded, because I'm not...it's just the realist side of my personality that is shining through at the moment. And maybe its because I've yet to really establish any sort of social life yet since I'm still just trying to get settled in my new environment and routine.

I do sincerely enjoy my job. Its incredibly rewarding to be able to work towards helping people find jobs and in the process of it all, finding out about the person, hearing their stories, etc.

but honestly, the "working world" has left my questioning so many things...in a good way.

Every morning, I jump on the Tollway to make my commute to work. Luckily, I am going the opposite direction of the rush hour traffic. But as the massive amount of cars speed past me, their headlines seemingly resembling the life source of the person occupying the vehicle...I constantly ask myself:

"what are we all doing?"

"why are we doing this?"

"what's the purpose of all of this anyways?"

I want to roll my window down and ask the person next to me:

"what the heck are we doing? shouldn't we just go home to our families?"

I know this might sound silly, and honestly, I'm not sure if I even understand what it is that I am trying to explain right now...but I can't help but find myself saying:

"there's got to be a greater purpose than hitting the grind like this everyday"

"there's surely something more that this"

Its like we are slaves to this thing called "corporate America" and we have to comply in order to exist.

maybe I'm crazy for thinking this way.

or maybe I'm just in the initial stage of shock realizing that working is just what people do.

but realizing that we will spend the majority of our lives "working" kind of hits you like a ton of bricks.

some people use it to define them.

some people devote their entire lives to trying to excel at their job.

I pray I never get to that point.

I'll hopefully keep updating on my learning about what the heck I'm supposed to do with this so called "job".

I will say, this scripture in Galatians has never been more real to me like it has now:

"am I now trying to win the approval of God or of men? Or am I trying to win the approval of men? If I were trying to please men, I would not be a servant of God." Gal 1:10.

until next time...

sorry :(

dear blog,

i must apologize for neglecting you like I have the past couple of weeks. You see, there is this new thing that seems to take up a lot of my time...leaving me little opportunity write you as often as I normally do. This thing, called "job" coupled with the fact that I don't have internet at my apartment has put a brief stint in my writing. But alas, do not worry, i will be back.

i have lots of things to say.

LOTS.

love, me.